Fights :(

Relationships... man, they are hard. I never expected it to be this hard but they are hard.
True, almost helping out with other people's relationship problems, I thought I had a handle on things, but I realize that everyone is different and every couple experiences different things.

That's why, I came to a conclusion: I'm a fucking asshole at relationships.

It's  not like I don't want to have a boyfriend. It's just that I always seem to mess up in one way or another. Then, he ends up dealing with my mess and apologizing for it.
What am I suppose to do?

I guess I deserve this. Maybe I am a masochist in my own way. I like when people get mad at me for some odd reason. Maybe that's why I'm always so clumsy. I just like to hurt myself.

Whenever Prawn and I fight, I knew it will happen before it begins. There's this sinking feeling inside of me that warns me, "FIGHT COMING!" But do I listen. No, I don't.
I want a conversation to keep on coming, no matter at what direction it's pointing.

After leaving to Jakarta, I seem to be fighting with him even more and more. Sometimes, I ask myself, "If we can't handle being Malaysia-Indonesia far apart, what would it be like if it was Malaysia-USA?" When I asked him that, he said that I was hinting a break-up. I went silent for awhile.

Maybe it's because I don't know. Was that a pang from the reality fairies that tells me that long distance could not be possible? But no, I didn't want to listen to it. I wanted to keep moving on. Yet, there's a dark feeling in me that says that I should just walk away. Maybe it's just the me who is tired of the fights.

I want everything to be like it was before every single FUCKING fight happened. When it was just happy moments without any worry.

Funny thing is, I remember that we promised that we would not have any fights when we started the relationship. Guess we were wrong to promise, huh?

I don't know. I'm just so tired.

Sometimes, he makes me feel guilty for spending time with my family because I'm not paying any attention to him. Then, I made a bigger attack by just not paying attention to him at all at one point in Jakarta.

Our fights just rage on and on until both get so hurt that no one wants to talk anymore.

Tonight, I did a bad thing. I think this was the last straw.

I didn't tell him that there is no Skype tonight, but I told him that after he waited an hour and a half. Considering the fact that he had to work from morning till 4:30 and then face the jam and then work some more, I am a total bitch. Instead, I waited too long to tell him no Skype and tell him Good Night.

Then, it started. I was so angry that I didn't want to spend time with my family anymore. I wished to be alone. Maybe I should be alone.

I did a reckless thing. I took out the blades of my shaver and starting scaring myself. I didn't do much because I can't. I didn't want to end my life there and then or rather act all emo about it. He got mad, saying that I'm using the pity game. Maybe, deep down, I was. I wanted to end the fight because I thought hurting myself would stop fights. I did that before when I was younger and it worked, briefly.


He got really mad then. We stopped talking.

This isn't the first major fight we had. It was so much more that I just can't count with one hand, or even two hands. I need two hands and a foot, probably. Yes, double digits of the number of fights I had with Prawn.

Right now, I'm mulling this over. I'm thinking that maybe this guy, this super great guy, is not worthy of a person like me? Maybe I'm getting cold feet to easily. I always had a fear of long distance. I know my friend, L, said that there are couples that last for so long in relationships that she never thought they would. But I don't know anymore. I mean, the first time I went to Jakarta was when it was during the 2nd month of our relationship. There was a huge fight then too.

Long distance, it's a bitch.

L always asked me, "You guys will last, right?"
Why do I keep responding with, "I hope so" rather than a "Yes." Am I hoping for us to last but not having a strong belief of that happening as I did before?

I'm not losing feelings for him but rather I'm losing some faith in the whole long distance shenanigan.

It's like every time he says that he's coming to DC next summer/fall/winter/spring, I would always say, "You don't have to" and he responds, "But I want to." It makes my heart fill itself with warmth because he is that dedicated.

Me? I'm nowhere near as dedicated as he is.
1) I can't defy my parents for him like he did for me.

My family is my priority, but Prawn is also my priority.

Maybe I'm not meant to be with anyone since I'm always the girl that puts family first above all else. No guy would ever appreciate that.

I finally have a guy who would actually go the distance with me, but why am I always taking him for granted? Why do I always bet on him to be there when I fall? Whenever he feels down, I can't even cheer him up.

But I realize right now, that I have to put up with life's challenges. I mean, I want to be with him, like forever? Forever does seem like a long time, huh? The turbulence of every single challenge, every single fight, every single outbreak that makes us just so distant.

(pause)

Reflecting on that last sentence, I realize that I am ready for the challenge. I am ready for the fights.

I want to punch the long distance fear that's always been brewing within me and kick it in the nuts. 

I know that every relationship is not perfect and I want to stop making mine such a mess.

So I will move on from this and have a moment of rebirth with this relationship.

So Prawn, let's start over, to a time when we both were as happy as ever and nothing can stop us from that?

Gosh, I hope this works.